Rabbi's Chayva's Chat

I had hoped to write a meaningful reflection on last week’s beautiful Emeritus Shabbaton and the Havdalah Coffeehouse of meaningful conversation and uplifting music. It felt like everything and everyone came together in harmony, and Rabbi Danny kvelled over how far we’ve come. That is all true, but it feels distant now.

Many members of our community are grieving as I write this. Some members of our community are saddened but not affected so personally. What unites us is not whether or not we are grieving, but how we come together in moments of loss.

The beating heart of community is in how mourners reach out for support, and how those around them reach in to help. Over the course of time, love and grief come in and out of focus. This is a week to bring them into focus, to see grief and express love with clarity.

Tomorrow, we will hold the funeral for Deborah Gitin z”l at Am Tikvah at noon, with graveside service, meal of consolation, and the week of shiva to follow. As a community, we need to hold her family and each other right now. It can be hard to know what to say, which is why our tradition tells us to be silent. As Rabbi Jack Riemer wrote, “If the mourner wants to talk, you listen. If the mourner wants to listen, you talk.” No need to ask probing questions or try to find silver linings. This period is just so sad. All one needs to say is, “I’m so sorry.” “I don’t know what to say.” “I love you.” Or nothing at all. What matters is that you’re there, you’ve reached out.

The broken-hearted Psalmist cried, “Hear my prayer, O God; to my cry hearken; to my tears do not be deaf” (Psalms 39:13). We can and must be the hands and ears and loving heart of the Divine to one another. The traditional greeting of consolation is:

המקום ינחם אתכם              HaMakom yenachem etchem,
                                                     May God comfort you

In this greeting, God is referred to as “The Place.” Rabbi Shefa Gold writes, “The Place of Comfort is where I know that I am held, supported and encouraged, even in my mourning, even through the passage of my darkest grief.” May Am Tikvah be part of the Place of Comfort for all who mourn among the people of Israel.